Bendis gets lost

I'm really enjoying the current run of Avengers. The Bendis dialogue isn't that bad, the story is good, and the Romita artwork is amazing.

My issue is Bendis doesn't have an the internet.

I know! It's hard to believe this guy who's one of the biggest names in comics, has his hands in almost every Marvel story line, AND has his own Twitter account CANNOT GET ON THE INTERNET. It sucks, I understand, sometimes, you think you have an iPhone, but really, it's just a brick painted black with some sequins glued on it.

Why do I assume Bendis isn't WiFi ready? Well, had he had access to Google, he would have been smart enough to make sure Area 51 (which apparently Tony Stark owns), is not in Roswell, New Mexico, but is actually in Nevada, off the shores of Groom Lake. Now, for the record, I didn't know exactly where in Nevada Area 51 is located (the squarer the state, the more I am lost), but I did know of this thing called Wikipedia, where I can search for and find the information I am looking for. And, if he searched just a millisecond longer, he could have found that there's actually a lot of reviews for Area 51. But it's OK, dude, sometimes, I just can't be bothered to fact check either (example: see this blog).

And since we're remotely on topic, why would Roswell, New Mexico even be a thing in the Marvel Universe? They were invaded by Skrulls last year! Doesn't every single person know what a freaking alien looks like? There are giant green and red dudes punching the crap out of each other, why the heck would people care about a spaceship?! Seriously, there are a bunch of freaking aliens in the Marvel Universe. Tony Stark would have made more sense if he stuck the gem in a Swiss bank.

Oh Mr. Morrison, You need some American history

Batman is stuck traveling through time trying to get back to his current timeline. I can accept that. Nobody is ever killed (unless you're Gwen Stacy), they just get sucked into time portals, other dimensions, or remain frozen for years. It's comics, we accept these things. One day, I will learn to accept that Norman Osborn has really come back and is not a skrull (But that Gwen Stacy boned him? No. Noooo, no, no).

But you know what I can't accept? Historic Inaccuracies. Yes, that needed to be capitalized. And yes, the fact that for some reason, there were prehistoric men wandering around North America really irritates me. But the worst of it was, by far, the latest: Return of Bruce Wayne #4.

OK Grant Morrison, I get it, you're Scottish, maybe you just think that in 1870's everyone is a cowboy. But let me paint a picture for you:

The year is some time in the late 19th century, almost the turn of the century. The East coast of America is an industerial powerhouse. There are railroads crisscrossing the land, factories filling the sky with smoke and soot, trolley lines dragging people all around town. People are experiencing elevators in new tall skyscrapers, electric lights twinkle and pop, Henry Ford is muttering something about a Model T. It is an amazing techincal age and the East Coast is on the cusp of experiencing it all. It looks like this:

So, can you tell me why, why, whyyyyyy is Gotham done up like some place out in the boonies of the midwest? This is Gotham. A city. A city which would not have a chanty town of clapboard and dirt roads, but of filthy tenants packed with imigrants and swarming with cholera. So, why is Gotham drawn up as some dang whiskey town outside of whatever terrible reservation Andrew Jackson created? Why does it look like this:

Oh, and what's with the apple tree?

Yes, of course, let's drop everything, make Gotham into Deadwood (brief pause: I love that show), and add in Jonah Hex, the guy with the septate hymen for a mouth who should gone and cut that piece off ages age (Seriously, you can't just take a pair of scissors to that shit? What happens when he yawns? Or wants to eat a hoagie?). Also, let's point out he is wearing his CONFEDERATE uniform. In a town that is clearly part of the NORTHERN states. Come on Mr. Morrison, let that one sink in for a bit....

This is BATMAN who lives in a city called GOTHAM. You had the chance to make an awesome Victorian Gothic story, but instead, you gave us cowboys with the names of Chuck, Lucky, and Bucky (honestly). I could have seen bustles and corsets and awesome cravets! But instead I get ten gallon hats and fucking saddle bags! I...you know what? I can't. I got to stop. Because this story, like drinking too much wine, is giving me a headache.

I think I'm just going to lie down here and read some Action Comics starring Lex Luthor..ahh, so much better....ha...Mr. Mind is adorable.

Brian Michael Bendis, why won't you let Siege be great?

I feel your pain, dude.

When I first saw the variant cover for Siege 4, I thought Iron Man was holding his head in his hands, like I do when I found out I'm at a party without an open bar. Now I see that he's putting the helmet on, clearly to hide himself from the lamefest that was Siege.

I don't even know where to begin with this, because once again we were given something totally awesome to start with, and then stuck with kind of a luke warm pile of "that sucked." OK, I'm lying, it wasn't totally awesome, it was nonsensical and kind of random (Attack Asgard? Because? Loki wants it? And what does this have to do with American security, Mr. Osborn?), but we were suppose to view this as the big summer blockbuster. Lots of action and explosions and not too much meaty drama. But even as a blockbuster where all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the punching, the plot was stilted and jumpy. It felt like Bendis was trying to drag us through as quickly as possible so he can get into the Heroic Age because he got bored of Osborn.

And you know what, lets be honest can a pile of evil doers on goblin gliders (which, by the way has a giant rocket on it, so it's clearly NOT a glider) really do anything to a magical floating realm of the gods? Clearly, if Osborn (and Loki) wanted to take Asgard all they had to do was send in Crazy McNuts Sentry and the Void would pop out and do all the work. But no, they wanted a splash page, so they toss some magical rocks in there and call it a day.

OK, and let's talk about the Void. Dude ripped a fucking god in half (FYI: Olympian gods have a an intestinal tract). And then does in another god, and oh yes, before all this, DESTROYS THE REALM OF THE NORSE GODS. And Bendis, you have the balls to tell me that Thor's fucking hammer can take down the Void? No. I call bullshit on you right there. Did you not see how seriously gross that whole busting open Ares like a bag of rap snacks looked? There is no way that a hammer, no matter how magical (and awesome to see at the end of Iron Man 2, by the way) it is can do that. The Void was this crazy pile of awesome power and you're trying to tell me, Thor, and only Thor, can take him down? Bendis just needed a quick finish, so he lets Thor pull a smash n' end it like in Secret Invasion (same plot ender in two years. Awesome creativity).

Blah.

Well, that's my take. I know that normally I toss in something witty here about how I'm going to go back to drinking to dull the pain of a terrible comic, but I've (surprise!) got a pretty hangover, so I'm going to go back to my water and Rite Aid brand aspirins and not say any more on this subject.

Oh, wait. I am.

Seriously, why can't Osborn be a skrull already? It doesn't make sense that he's alive. I don't care if it's been practically ten years since he returned, I want that character written off as dead dead. Make him a freaking skrull and make me happy, Bendis. Or at least give me back the Wasp.