Stan Lee made the amazing techno-colored puppy coat!

So, the big comic news of the month is Stan Lee's Hockey Guardians, which are NHL themed characters. Now, I'm never one to judge (Ahhhhhahahaha), but I'm guessing some hockey brohs got drunk on jager shots and decided to make some money off of the whole "Iron Man Spider Man" thing. Congrats, dudes, you've finally learned how to crib geek culture like everyone else (it only took you thirty years).

Anyway, what ever, I don't watch hockey, and unless it's a Pet Avengers tie-in I'll never even read these comics (watch the cartoons? I don't even know what they're doing with all these dudes). Until, that is, I saw this:

IT'S A DUDE WHO HAS A PUPPY CREATING JACKET!

Seriously, this is now my new favorite character (Until Troll from Thunderbolts finally starts kicking some ass). He can create dogs from his jacket! Does it get any better? Can his dollar store Wolverine knock-off helmet tap a keg and pour me a pint?! Are his Rob Liefeld pouches filled with nachos?! Are his upper arms chafing in that leather trench coat?! Why does every "dark badass" character have to wear a leather trench coat?!

If that dude could make me some tacos, get me a brew AND find me an adorable pet, I might actually start watching hockey (ahahahahahahaha...snort, choke, gasp for breathe, fall back on the couch and continue to eat some cheese fries).

X-Men Origins: Wolverine review

Logan's straining to pass this crapfest.

OK, maybe I'm a little hard on X-Men Origins: Wolverine (seriously, that's the title?).  Maybe it wasn't a crapfest.  Maybe I was just blinded by the utterly terrible CGI claws that looked like they were a half second slower then Logan's actual hands.  Why couldn't they just use those awesome claw props from the X-men (non origin) movies?  Computer graphics do not make things better!  Haven't we learned anything from the Hulk movies???

OK, so, besides the claws...

Young Logan (James, Jim, Jimmy, etc) was a little cheesy.  I mean, you can't not make a scene with a kid screaming "NOOOOOOOO" over his dead father cheesy.  Toss in a pair of freaky-deaky bone claws running through his REAL daddy, and the moment was too serious not to be funny.  Redeeming factor, however was Sabretooth's awesome baby claws.  They were so freaking cute!  Like giant baby hamster paws!

The credits were great.  Actually, the credits was the movie I wanted to see.  Mutants in the Civil War!  Mutants in WWI!  Mutants in WWII!  Mutants in Vietnam!  Ooooh, you know what would be a great cross over?!  MASH and Mutants (yes, I know, that's the Korean War).  See, the irony is that even though suicide is painless, Logan can't die.  Irony.

Oh man, OK, my other HUGE pet peeve is Deadpool.  Deadpool!  What the hell!  Why do you take The Merc with a Mouth and make him mouthless?! I wanted some totally lame wisecracks but all i got was the dude version of that mouthless chick from the Twilight Zone Movie (omg, remember that one?!  Her creepy brother took away her mouth!  And then he put people in the TV to be eaten by cartoons!  What a jerk!).  Also, I don't understand why Deadpool had to have everything.  Cyclops' eye beams, teleporting, oh, and giant arm swords.  Why on earth does he need giant arm swords?  How does he bend his elbows when they retract?  Does he just not bend his elbows?  Explain this to me!

OK, besides all that (wait, and the fact that Silverfox wasn't actually Native American, that was kind of lame), the movie was good (and by good, I mean better than X-Men 3).  It did have a hi-larious pre-Deadpool Wade Wilson, and dudes from Lost.  It was a good summer blockbustery type of movie, and, if you're a fan of the Blob, it's got him, too.

Honestly though, if you want an X-Men movie, just go rent the first and second ones.