Thursday, July 1, 2010

I put a lot of terrible things in my mouth

It's true, I eat a lot of gross stuff. I drink a lot of real painful booze. I'm that person that thought Bailey's and cereal would be seriously the best idea ever (it wasn't). So, needless to say, if it looks even remotely appetizing and easy to cook, I will buy it.
Which is where our story begins.....

Bilinski's Chicken Meatloaf. Granted, it sounds terrible to begin with (meatloaf should really contain some kind of cow bits, right?), but I was starving and it said ready in four minutes. Plus there were all these good things in it. Listen to these ingredients: Skinless chicken leg meat, sea salt, parmesan cheese, garlic, onions, tomatoes. That is some serious gourmet shit right there! chicken LEG meat, not chicken mystery meat. This totally should have been kind of tasty!
But my friends, it was not. Maybe it was because I was lazy and microwaved it (spoiler alert, I microwave everything), but everything that could be wrong it was wrong with it.
Texture: Rubbery, gummy, wobbly. It was the bastard child of Jell-O and a bike tire.
Color: Grey. When is chicken grey? Couldn't they have tossed in one coloring agent to make this look like something better than slime mold?
Taste: I can't. I just can't. There was no taste. It was like I was trying to bite my way through the phonebook. The tomato sauce on top didn't even taste like tomatoes. How do you fuck that up??????
Visual: This part is really the worst. I don't know if you can see it, but on that package they have a little clip art of a real meatloaf. You know, it actually looks like a loaf. This impostor was concave. Yes, a meatloaf was con-fucking-cave.

After a few bites where I tried, I really tried, to deal with this monstrous beast of a meat cube, I just gave up. It was trashed and I had to cleanse my palate with cheese.

Never ever buy this product. It is the vile afterbirth of Rosemary's baby.

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